Sadness

As soon as we walked in it was clear that things were not ok, the heaviness of the situation hitting me like a slap across the face. There was a quiet desperation which seemed to hang suspended in every room. A layer of sadness that covered everything like dust.  We were hoping that this would come as a wake up call to her, an unfortunate event that would prevent a series of even more unfortunate events in the future. But her eyes hadn’t been opened and in fact the little light that used to shine had been replaced with an anger and sadness that we had never seen there before. How can you reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached? How you can you save someone who doesn’t know that they have anything worth saving?

In our minds she had been stubborn and lazy but in fact, looking back, she had just been sad. It was a soft underlying sadness but a sadness nonetheless. A depression that had gone unnoticed and untreated for so long that it had grown its branches around the very core of her being, growing into her and over her until there was no distinguishing between where it ended and she began. In the car on the way home we discussed our visit and the cruelness of depression …a disease that covers the eyes of its victims whilst whispering sweet nothings into their ears. Except the nothings aren’t sweet and the dreams quickly become nightmares as all the beauty and colour of life is slowly stripped away until very little of anything is left to remain.

I remember clearly the grey numbness that tainted everything. The heaviness that surrounds you and covers you like a blanket, holding you down so that you neither can nor want to reach up and grab any of the lifelines that are thrown to you.

And now I sit here on the other side…. desperately waving my arms in an SOS whilst trying to convince someone else that life is incredible and beautiful and totally worth saving. But she is all soft focus and auto-tune and as she decides to protect her own version of events she is carelessly fading us out.

unfocused

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